breaking away

i'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.





Leaving behind the scars, unwanted decisions and robot-like machine tupperware people surrounding me.
Emphazising them more would be something strange to toggle but a lot of times I did learn to carry on and dwell on them, maybe not in terms of my traditional functioned mind but the leaning itself did matter.
Anyway, moving on may mean learning. It may mean letting go of every inappropriate grudge.



Yet sometimes.. dreams can be a little scary once you're on it coz it's too imaginative to explore and believing that you're already grasping it can be far beyond one's expectations. You just can't runaway from it for two things will be pulling you back: One would be your mind's aspirations pushing you over and over again to do it and Second the thought of wanting to see what's there in the box before regretting to escape it.

Maybe life really was a matter of choice; substanial plug-in to enjoy the mere compact of it.
I'll risk. Even if it means losing. Losing a lot of former good co-employees. Losing compensation.(Haha!). Because maybe, just maybe this would be my huge break. And anyhow I know I'll be stronger facing new struggles after this, besides I know my priorities and nothing can stop me persevering to get it.

-----unwhining-----

The days caught me up. Yes, indeed time is a healer.
It even let me see through the windows of forgetting.
But I just can't escape fate. I can't fool myself.
One time I'll be gone. On the other I'm still holding it.
There were days when everything's a mess.
Yet there was the stagnant immediate ones.
Everyday was a lesson, a lesson I must learn.
A day I can't miss to enjoy and capture.
Maybe it wounded me, but I leaned then stand on my knees.
To manage for another try.
I know things would never be easy.
Not the thought I was wishing with crossed fingers for.
Not even a slice of cake.
Nor a cry on spilled milk.
The boat will take me across the lands.
And it'll be bundled with high tides, storms and hurricanes.
No matter what, I need to acknowledge to the sky.
And see the Light and hopefully sail on smooth waters.

:)

wound-bliss

I never really thought it would be of this difficulty.

I never imagined myself growing tired of a tragic of not wanting to look, wait and scan over people passing.

I never was treated unfairly, and yet I condemn being out of reach upon struggles.

I never listen nor hesitate being apart from it, but life took us that way far, far enough to forget.

I never realize a melodramatic situation wherein it will involve a lot of criticisms and reactions that I never wanted to posses nor obsess.

I never sanctify to the truth of my own stone-thrown decisions.

I never respected its reasoning sometimes hence I look forward seeing the negativity and cling on my own mind controlling beliefs.

I never was of foolish following the right circumstances, and I fail him/Him.

I never really get to care on what’s a must or should but rather I put sympathize on what I can.

I never punish myself unto my failures and selfishness thus I create an unfamiliar hymn which produces vibrant noise of chants.

I never really ignore the reprimands I just take them in consideration of things I wanted to do.

I never ought to know the huge difference of letting go and holding a hand, yet it made a misconception of knowing the value of both.

I never was too careful filling the days with solid mysteries and essence.

I never was too eager to count out days passing and neglect them as much as possible.

I never was unloved nor unpaid for what I deserve it was always more, plenty and fulfilling.

I never was of contentment upon everything especially when it regards my passion.

I never was of influence in getting the right lectures, the secured vows, the forgiving heart nor the upgraded scientist testing experiments of time.

I never end the day of sanity, I just try to tend on it.

I never mind being left out in the street but I pity those who are in it mostly on cold dark nights.

I never wanted to spend the morning with sun, it aches my eyes.

I never aspire to stop dreaming in any how or matter it will push me through.

I just never thought awe would come upon me on times I let go of the most precious substantial stone left in grasp despite sacrifices I chose to throw it and cast no more shadow with it.

unscrupulous

Random pictures cover up stains, hatred and happiness.


Twisting strategies may even mean care.


And again.. my plans turned upside down.

I'm Ms happy.

When it regards to my passion and individuality,

I endure working so hard.

And actually it affects all my decisions personally.

Especially my current decisions on how to manage

financial stability in life.

On my other side, it really doesn't matter, like yah maybe it does revolve in each person's reason for living but really its not what makes you so happy at all. right?

Anyhows, living a life full of aspirations and rolling them out thru your hands would always be the greatest.




Until one night it went mixed up.
The red inks indicating extreme anger together with its harsh words that pierce me from within.
Negligence of words too many times before had been an issue.
Temper was endless and careless for words left said.

Soon emptiness overpowered my being.
Keeping me away from reality and realizing a million atom converging my system.

It creeps.
Sleeplessness again showered my nights.

Let's not waste time..
War never really gave me the piece of cake I needed.
It never even bother to open my mouth in unscrewing the right locks.

My dreaming of undying worth was placed hanging in the dark room.
Without hopes, the following days would be agonized.
Without spirit, walking too long would be uneasy.
And without strength, pulling your hand will be naive.

And so, it ends here.
A long, narrow and oblivious path now awaits me.
No matter how it'll ache me, I should only prevail happiness.

Absence

I just realized, just now that I have some pending drafts here - unpublished melodramatic syndrome I made - and which I need to finish some day.

Realizations hit me again.
His absence caused a lot of it.
They say once someone went out of your life, you'll realize other people's presence near you.
But on an opposite way I felt it.
I tend to cling on myself and him a lot.
That having friends did not count on me anymore.
Companionship maybe, for some time and after that, when his around, they're out of the picture again.
I want some normal time with my friends but things were never easy now.
Different lives, lifestyles and times.
Well, before I was contented with just few times with them then I still end my day with him.
And that comprises my life.
But now.. It was never easy now..
Each day I realize that.
And making things better make it worse.
well.. maybe someday I'll gain some strength to build another world where my kind of games would work.
I wish things would be better.
Waking and sleeping each day creeps my being.
Annoyance and irritation attack me when his not around.
Abolishing my work loads become significant now.
Good luck in recovering.
Heartaches never stop hitting me.
Why the hell is it so easy to target me?

PRIDE

Eid'l made long weekends to a lot of people.

This made me think for some time now..
I wanted to skip thinking now, I need to gain weight, I even consulted a dietician regarding it and I'm planning to follow them and hopefully gain ounces.On contrary, I wanted to spend time again thinking on what I ought to do and decide things hastely, but why hurry, I have a lot of time anyway. But my sleeping routine is getting lesser and lesser everytime I skip thinking. I have a lot of vacant times especially during my travelling hours, instead of sleeping all through out that 3hrs ride going work and home reversely every weekdays, I start to think and day dream and it irks me. I need sleep and unfortunately a lot of times I wasn't able to count on it anymore.

LUX but for RELAX.
*Maybe, I'll search for a part time in programming.
- this would give extra credit to have a car and finally focus on driving and quit thinking.
*Save for a C3 phone.
- this is just a luxury but at the end of the year I'll be leaving my current work, it means giving up my company phone now.

I've done a stupid thing last Thursday, I know I shouldn't have done that. And I regret it. I hate it. Begging was never a count nor an open option in my life. But maybe at that certain time that was the most I can do. And it just pained me doing it. It actually swallowed my pride, which is the only thing I never risk in times like this. In the end, I know I was even the wrong one. I didn't see a more elusive way of dealing with it anymore. I just wanted to be happy, I know I almost have everything and yet with this one thing I look not contended and in despair of getting it. I wanted to skip it. Skip it so bad it even hurts.

-sept.10,2010

just my dream

**This is Edwards perspective at the end of Twilight as he travels from Fork to Phoenix to be with Bella**



I am a patient “man”.



That hasn’t always been the case.



In my former life, one so distant that it usually seems like a dream, I was in a hurry. In that mist filled memory I had a different name, different goals and I wanted to fight, more than my own life alone, I wanted blood on my hands. My future never included love, women or anything that would draw from my destiny of the gallant and fearless warrior, winning the war, taking the flag. Narcissistic? Possibly. Naive? Without a doubt. Even as those around me started to take ill with an enemy far greater than any German could ever offer I still saw only the battle field. When my father fell victim I swore that I would fight in his name, my focus still clouded in the fantasy that had been fed to me in droves. As my mother began her decent into her irrevocable certainty and my own mortal body started to give out, the bouts of confusion of the reality that I had created started to increase. In my decreasing moments of clarity I started to wonder if I had been wrong. In a whisper of an instant, as my mother took her last breath, as the fever raged strong through my exhausted body, in my last memory of feeling my own beating heart, the realization that I would never know love shattered everything I had ever known.



As an immortal it became a part of me, a truth so strong that no matter how hard they tried, not even the strongest of those that I called family could break that resolve. I was comfortable with that. I had made peace with the demon that had been my last human memory.



Until her.



She had proven me wrong against all of my own will. In an instant she had changed everything that I had convinced myself was my fate. Her touch alone gave me hope that if a chance at heaven was possible it would be one tenth of the feeling. There was no power in existence that would keep me in a world that she didn’t inhabit. And the thought that my mistake, my reaction had endangered her life was almost too much to bear.



I felt my always present patience slipping away as the plane sat motionless on the tarmac, the overhead voice muttering something about a delay. The chatter of the minds of my fellow passengers, the tightly held grip of my father’s hand on my own, the whining of the engines, did nothing to break my focus. Bella. Nothing else.



Minutes felt like hours as my resolve started to slip, my desire to force my way off of the plane, to start running, the need getting more powerful with each tick of the watch the man behind me wore.



“Edward,” I glanced at my father, his voice as clear in my head as if he’d said it out loud. “There is nothing to be done right now. Trust Alice and Jasper, they are her family now as well and will let nothing happen to Bella.” His thought of her name settled me somehow as the plane finally started to taxi.



Ten thousand three hundred thirteen ticks of the watch on the man behind me. My depthless mind was a curse for the first time in my memory, too much space, too many possibilities. As much as it pained me to imagine the possibility that the outcome would be dark, I couldn’t stop the plan from creeping into my vast psyche. Death. There was no other option. The pain alone would be enough to destroy me; the guilt would be an added pleasure. I felt torn, the next chapter of this existence had always been a mystery to me. Carlisle was convinced that there was a heaven for our kind. That we would be reunited in the euphoria of the harps and angles, continue on. I believed that we were damned into obscurity. And if he was correct and Bella died because of my careless emotions than that punishment most certainly did not fit the crime. Maybe “living” would be my just rewards, to spend eternity wrapped in my veil of bitter agony and guilt. Let it become who I was, welcome it gratefully. But I couldn’t even begin to grasp the idea of a world that did not hold her in it somewhere. No, I would take my chances on what lay next. My family would try to stop me of course. Would I be willing to destroy them to achieve my goal? Would I be able to? No. The answer was without question. I would not drag them into my darkness. I would leave them without a word. I couldn’t let myself think of what that would do to them but at that moment I knew that it would be the only course of action. Then thousand three hundred forty three, I let the ticks of the watch fade slightly as I started to fantasize of my brutal demise.



As we started our decent in to Phoenix the pull to know that her heart still beat became a sort of frenzy in my mind, reigniting the thoughts that had receded for a short time. My end was in place, nothing grand or dramatic, no declarations of love screamed from the rooftops before I swooped down and let oblivion do with me as she wished. I would go quietly, in the manner that Carlisle would expect from his son, I would go to the Volturi and just ask. Beg if that is what it came to. It all seemed exactly as it should be. Leave my family with the dignity that they deserved to go on as if I had never existed.



In the same instant the engine breezed to sleep my ruse of a seat belt was off, the nagging feeling that something had changed was stronger than my need for discretion. My father’s tight grip was in place again as he looked straight ahead and shook his head slightly.



“Patience Edward, patience.” His voice was far too calm in my head.



I exited the plane more slowly than I thought possible, all the while my father’s grip held fast on my arm, my brother’s hand on my shoulder casually, no one seeing the truth.



I heard her far before I saw her; Alice’s frantic story flashing in front of my face, Bella, my Bella, my reason to have ever existed at all, face to face with pure evil.



“We tried Edward! We did everything that we thought we could do.” Alice’s terrified voice shook slightly.



“Edward, what is it?” My father



“What happened?” my brother Emmett’s voice encased with the other simultaneously as I froze for a fraction of a second, hearing nothing but the high pitched screech that ripped it’s way from Bella’s throat as James shattered her leg. It could have been seconds or hours, I truly had no way of gauging it; not that time would have any meaning for me anymore. As if a plan had been set in motion decades ago, I felt the hands release me as I walked past Alice, her carefully written directions landing in my hand, determination and purpose in my eyes as my cursory glance of the paper memorized the route, raw fury filling me as I walked out into the heat of the parking garage, stealing the first car that I saw.



As the freeway flew by the vivid scenes played out in my mind’s eye as if stuck on replay. Bella writhing in agony as she begged me not to avenge her, James’ animalistic side overpowering his love of the game as the sweet scent of her blood ran down her head. I pressed down on the accelerator, finding a hint of surprise that it would go any further. I exited the freeway, following Alice’s directions as if I had driven them everyday for years. As I ran a red light the most gut wrenching image of them all hit me again with such force that I actually swerved slightly, Bella’s crumpled body in James’ arms as he drained her of all life and then about three things I was absolutely positive.



First, I had killed Bella as much as if I had done it with my own hands.



Secondly, there was a part of me- and I didn’t know how dominate that part might be- that would spare James no mercy, would slaughter him slowly, painfully, and with such vengeance that it would be a story told in vampire folklore.



And third, I had just been sentenced to death.

FEAR

The day when we finally realize that we lose.
The day when we knew it wasn't enough.
The one day that tells us we're never really meant for each other.

Those times when we fight in aiming to be together.
Times when we ourselves fight upon misunderstandings.
The days spent thinking how to make things work.

The feeling of not knowing what to do without you.
The strangeness of feel without your touch.
The day without your laughter in my ears.

The day we give up.
The sunrise touching my skin knowing I'm alone.
That destiny finally hits me that its over.

The coming days not knowing what to do.
The next ideas in meeting you again.
The over-thinking ways in motivating myself to forget.

The endless nights wishing and thinking how it happened.
The agony of another heartache I never expected.
The uncertain situations of clinging to life again.

Thinking, just thinking, makes me weak.
Knowing it wouldn't be that easy to get on my knees up straight.

fly..

its been a while since I've decided to write again. Although in my head I always do.

First, my "infatuation drunkenness" over my so called soul mate dream turning into reality kind of man is finally sinking in my head that he's merely a dream.

Second, my ever long distance relationship is moving towards a different level which is to the feeling I most likely hate - getting used to his absence.

Third, I'm becoming insane - well actually getting normal on other people's perspective.

I just don't understand why men get to be attracted to me when I am entirely a man hater now. Is this a joke? And courting nor showing stupid care won't ever count on me anymore!
Damn.. a lot of things just happened and if today would be the start of the days that someone right for me would come, well it'll be too difficult for him to get and break through my strongly thick barrier-ed walls. Too much hurt and agony had passed by my individuality leading my weakling self left behind.

My dreaming still invades my dull moments, keeping me alive and hoping. Thus, I need to be strong and keenly keep track of my ways on emitting him out in the corner of my room. I just want him out, somewhere I can't see, where light won't shine on it anymore to finally embrace reality that he will just take me for granted. A momentary bliss had made me feel warm, unto my cold skin. A slight touch of hope makes me shiver. Hurt, please get away from me I'm not a masochist why you adore me much.

Next, I don't think this longing would end but its getting there maybe sooner. There are coming twigs in our ways and comprehending each others' situation is becoming dynamic.

masochist.

mixed emotions had gone by my sight for the rest of the week.
There were the feet-cramps-stomach ache-over-excitement kind of thing, the painful pricking in my face, the want-a-bottle-of-beer kinda day, the annoyingly nonstop thinking over people and the wish-me-luck and do this do that days. Damn. seems like a month had gone by me men!
Risking made me strive for more hunger. It allows me to think of the premise I'm getting myself in now. A consuming hole which I know I would forever be trapped in. It also opened me to the fact that things just changed and never will I be able to put the puzzle back. I tend to hurt people because of this major RISK I played. At the end, I was defeated. I know that and no matter how hard I'll try and cover that up I'm never going to win. It was never really a question of "did I had it?" coz from the moment it ended I know the answer. Maybe I was just too afraid to admit it but the next days pushed me to accept it.
It was stupidity. It was like risking your life in a battle against a million strong and huge soldiers. But then, I died happily. Risking was always a choice. You never know the consequences it may bring but at least, at its very least YOU'VE TRIED. hahaha.. effort counts right?
I wouldn't stop until my sight becomes blurred.


One thing I'm damn sure of right now. Its that I can't take another heartache to penetrate me again.

i was walking down a street..

gazing at the sky, wondering where am I.

then suddenly it all went black, still I start walking.

until I saw a figure.

So I tried to haste my pace to get to it soon.

Then it turned out to be a boy.

Then my dream ended.

This went on for some months till I finally get to see his face.

Twas someone I know. Someone from my past. A friend.

That eventually became a lover.

A stupid mistake I did to him back then.

So, I started finding him now..

Until one day, I found him.

So happy to start a conversation with him and yet

afraid that he'll still be mad at me.

I didn't brought up my intention at first..

Luckily I did that, coz he no longer was the man I knew.

And I gotta throw all my stuff of memories of him.

It'll be stupid now to let him know how I feel.

It'll just cause an explosive issue but in a silent way.

I don't want another crashing heart.

Another nonsense jerk to just crumple my paper of invitation.

Another incareful move for me.

Which I would be the one being wounded at the end.

And which I was the one who proposed for it.

It'll be like suicide.

rain showers for the night

Maybe it's time to write a new one.
Open my life to change and accept the facts that I know I can never retrieve.
I wanna quit life actually.
Quit waiting.
Quit my vices.
Quit my passion.
Quit my music.
Quit my career.
Quit the car.
Quit the offers.
Quit school.
Quit friends.
Quit lover.
Quit myself.
Quit my routine.

And just fly..
Fly away further here.

Change my pace.
Change my lifestyle.
Change duty.
Change everything I am incapable of.

I wanna run somewhere near the person who knew me well.

struggling

Ever wonder how it feels to be trapped in a cage, and someone promised to come back to unlock it? It's like hoping. Hoping for something you really ought to know if it'll come running to rescue you. Or simply abandon you; thinking what worth is it in saving you.

Sometimes even the smallest pinch of pain hurts. Even getting a scratch from an unwanted slip to the edge of a wall. Even a surprising blow of a horn, hurts our ears. Well, how much more are the bigger ones. Bigger pain. Huge heartache. Enormous disappointment Especially, when you've established your grounds in hoping it'll come true, when all of a sudden it wouldn't. It will be like writing, mining, working while crying all over again.

DREAMING
Am I done here? Enough or more? It's like having a disease, you'll feel the pain and agony of it then have a medication for weeks and suddenly one day it'll hurt again, it'll agonize you again and pain you more. Great isn't it? Masochist is never a word for me. It was never easy, especially for a lot of times. Things were never cleared. Satisfaction was left to questions.
Suffering would result to anger for the next range of days.
A matter of fact today was one, Aug.4th. The one thing that calms me now kills me. It's annoyingly true. And hell no matter what I do to calm myself, have a moment to ease and clean my mind, I end up pissed. I completely end up stuck to looking at people who owns their own worlds, places I daydream to be there with him, missed him and it sucks to accept the mere fact that he can't be. here. with me. damn!

Things get a lot serious. How could I possibly take the fact that in order to work this realtionship out is to get used to the idea that HE IS NO LONGER GOING TO BE HERE WITH ME. The possiblities are definitely impossible. Just thinking how I'm going to do it, makes me crumpled myself to darkness and just spill the milk.

Waiting was never added to my world until he threw it on my face. Just a year seems a lifetime to me. And I'm running out of ideas to waste my time and mingle till it'll all be over.
Good luck to me in the next mind-blowing, unknown and deepest situations that awaits me.

DRAGGED AND UNCOMPOSE
Maybe he's right.
I'm not making sense. I pull the let-go word then push to stay again. I'm making things worse for him. Making him feel the agony of hanging to what extend can I still manage. It's unfair for him but unfair for me, my ego as well. He said it was like a slow kill. He knew sooner I'll give up, bend my knees and shout an insult at his wall. And he'll feel sorry for he can't even hug and calm me down to tell me "it's ok baby. I'm here" coz no matter what he does, no matter how hard I pleaded.. he's not here. To make things a lot easier for me.

SACRIFICE.
I hate it.
TOLERANCE.
I ignore it.

i'll try again. Try for the 5th time (I think). Try harder. And try over and over till the nth time. He's always worth it anyway.

Eventhough I know someday, I'll grew tired of this.
And maybe someday I'll just be sitting somewhere sipping a frappe and watch some lovers smile and laugh at each other till a teardrop fall from my cheek.

FINAL COUNT

I think this is the last chapter of it all.

It was the hardest week. EVER.

I got the longest weekend last week.

There was the pulling out, the destruction, the annoyance, the longing, the negligence, the incapability, the shortcomings, the stabbing and the last day didn’t let me out alive putting up Friday the 13^th.

The weekend just prove something lacks in me. It shook my head and bat it up saying "you have a lot of other things going on with your life so get the hell up on your knees". It was an unusual weekend, even if I know why, I don't get to have the courage and strenght to fix it up.

I never thought it would be of this difficulty sewing the pieces of my heart all together. I know, it was painful, melting and pounding but nevertheless did I mind stretching my hand wide open in giving and holding with all my might. It was the farthest I can run. The place I stopped at, was neither because of the captivating ambience nor its soothing fragrance, I stopped on it because I can no longer hold my breath in running the race. I was defeated. I’ve malfunctioned. There were the could have’s, the should have’s and the would have’s.  Everyday had a different story, but every single day hammers me with stress and agony. But no matter how they hit me so hard, ending each day was the hardest. Inside the jail, I can take it. Inside my cage, I can pretend to be happy. But in my bed, it was the unbearable. However, what can I do? I’m stuck here. Here - A place so far away from where I wanted to be in. I’m tired, I’m so sick of doing things I never wanted to do. I wanted to live freely. I’m worn-out. I’m dried of clinging and finding tasks I never wanted to be engaged with. The week gave me the feeling of tiresome on waking up and seeing the date fly slowly, making it seem endless. I wanted to sleep for so long, sleep everything up and sleep until the feeling goes away. They say time heals everything. Well F*** them all.

I don't want to count on days. Don't want to slip on it either. I want a normal life. A typical way of living it.
Choices are what and how you make it.
Some things are just way way way impossible to patch together.

an inspiration to write

when was the last time i even notice him?

or when was the last time he noticed me?

hell tired of all these crap.

over and over again..

maybe on a different degree.

twas like looking up for life gets deeper and bolder and it so went infinte.

i was hit ang bang! life shouldn't be this way anymore.

well, like serioulsy.

it was a total stop.

a total realization of everything.

until it stucked up on my mind for the whole session.

mind empowering.

thinking how to get more out of life.

and thinking i never wnet any better at all.

strive harder.

pursue positive thought.

hell forget things that will never happen.

cmon!

do it!

just do it!

things were never easy.

well who says it was?

suddenly reality creeps and i end up wondering.

time elapse.

spoiled food gets in the way.

and you can not cry over spilled milk.

premiere

wew! awesome day..

well today, i've won free tickets to the premiere of one of my favorite books-sequel "eclipse".

yah..lucky me!

funny thing is.. i never went to go gaga over contest. it just happened. don't know how nor why. i just did. then i won! yehey!

the movie to me was ofcourse catchy, since i've red the whole saga/sequel book of twilight. but i think the not-so-exciting- part of reading is when everything you've read is all laid down in the huge screen infront of you. but then, still i got to appreciate their version as a movie.

well..i just come to realize before ending and slipping the day that Edward Cullen is my type of guy. like hell serious. kinda weird to know. but as the whole sequel twists, how he loved Bella Swan, how he cares for everyone she loves, how he got angry, how he feels like simply knowing his thought and opinions over something makes me.. damn, want someone like him.

well...yeah i know his a mere fiction. which makes things really mixing some thoughts to me. like i'll never find that "Edward-kind-of-guy". a little frustrating but that's life. like wake-up-and-skip-all-the-fantasy-thing-girl kinda line. but that's fine. someday, maybe. hahaha! nevermind.

twas fun, great and good experience having this kind of day. away from work..away from school. like i was just chilling out the net that i bump into an ad and answer something the instant i think of my it. and boooooom! i got the movie! hahaha..

goodnight folks. goodnight my Edward. ;)

hahahaha..

forget

i remember how can i forget
unpredictable
but no regrets
i'm drowning in endless waters
your hand is out there somewhere

but i guess it's time
to say goodbye
please no more lies
i've had enough, wasted time
what i don't have..

i wear the costume of
never ending shame
but somehow i feel okay
help me remember to forget
i want to forget
but you're..

beautiful
and i can't stop myself
from feeling numb
i'm here waiting for you
to break my heart
break my heart

..just remembered someone over this damn song...

so long..i'm happy that you're happier now.

passion statement

senseless.. frustrated music life..
there goes all my heroes, doing everything they can, performing who they want to be and singing their lungs out. sipping the sweet taste of music mayhem, delivering their ups and downs through soulful jives or just clinging and pricking in their fave instruments.. time flies.. passes so brilliantly awkward and leaving me here, dreaming. day and night dreaming of every single thing i wanted to do for all my life.. sinking in the possible options to suggest that "i can still manage so far..". goodluck to me and to everything i dream of being..

contented.

i want to be contented to almost everything and in any aspect in my life. God gave me too much of what i asked of him.. but I swear i wouldn't be in contentment with my passion.. i want to strive more. Strike some more. plunge to anything i can do in order to achieve my ultimate bliss.
even if it won't only involve me..

Oh star..fall down on me. let me wish upon you..

Streaming my heart out for the next days and try some more to urge the spirit and will..
I won't give up..

Goodluck to me.

blunt about others' feelings

Today, I’m quite sad coz someone dear to me left me to go somewhere far. Like out of the country and it’ll take some time.. a year or so. Well, I’m also happy for him because for sure it’s a good thing for his being. He’ll probably learn a lot there, the country’s’ culture and mostly knowing more to handle himself. I’m sure when he’ll be back; he’s more matured although he is already now. I’m feeling a little sick knowing he won’t be anymore near me in times that I needed someone to talk to, have fun with, watching movies or simply hanging out in his friends’ place or just somewhere far from those people we hate at a moment. It’s true that we value someone more once they left. But in my own shy way i know i made him feel special. Hehe..

so long, so long..

Anyway,,. Another guy struck me this morning and realized that his life is so boring. Because he lives in a life of pretensions. Even the people close to him or trying to be close to him don’t have the opportunity to be coz he’s hell lying all the time. And the worst case here is that those people tend to hope to even see him or to know if that kind person even exists. Everything he says now seems to be ironic. Oh well! I don’t want to bother him at all! As in! But he’s flirting my sister. Oh men! Everything about him seems to be ridiculous now. Like everything’s’ a lie and my sister don’t get it. Even though the signs are so vivid. I just want her to learn. Even if learning will mean hurting her first.

Oh life,,. When love struck everything in the world would seem out of place.

hurtful day

-REALIZATIONS
*LYING. Its true that all secrets would prevail in time. No matter how hard you’ll try to keep it; how difficult it would be to lie over a LIE again and again. It will always sum up to the fact that you’ve lied. And even you’re reasonable enough to be understood, you still did lie. No matter how hard you tried to explain things in a more soothing way, it’ll still end up hurting. Hurting, especially those people who mean so much to you.
*PASSION. Men! Planning really results to disappointments. Why didn’t I ever learn??! And of course, you have to deal with that. Or you can just turn back from the very start again, If you choose not to deal. Weighing the options sometimes is not necessarily a good idea. Coz seldom do you follow your will. Oh well! Guess, I just have to turn that whole 360 degrees thing in order to save a friendship and relationship. Damn,,…..:(
*MOVED OUT. Yey! Finally, after thinking of a past affair I just laughed at it now. How stupid I was those freaking days of so called- agony for me. It takes time to think. Took ME a looooootttt of time. And courage to forget. To let go. And stop regretting things. Plus hoping for another hell chance. They say time heals almost everything- well, it’s true! Because this one, time didn’t. I’d say when one chooses to heal, he can. It’s a choice. But of course, I’m missing him. Our crazy, foolish and laugh-bursting moments together. :p
-GOALS
*THINK. THINK. THINK. Weigh every single thing very carefully in terms of the passion thing. I CAN’T have DAMN REGRETS. I can’t afford that.
*PROJECT RESEARCH. Start doing that hell up. Deadline’s almost here.
*focus on what you have now. Disclaim those who no longer are. :)