Sometimes even the smallest pinch of pain hurts. Even getting a scratch from an unwanted slip to the edge of a wall. Even a surprising blow of a horn, hurts our ears. Well, how much more are the bigger ones. Bigger pain. Huge heartache. Enormous disappointment Especially, when you've established your grounds in hoping it'll come true, when all of a sudden it wouldn't. It will be like writing, mining, working while crying all over again.
DREAMING
Am I done here? Enough or more? It's like having a disease, you'll feel the pain and agony of it then have a medication for weeks and suddenly one day it'll hurt again, it'll agonize you again and pain you more. Great isn't it? Masochist is never a word for me. It was never easy, especially for a lot of times. Things were never cleared. Satisfaction was left to questions.
Suffering would result to anger for the next range of days.
A matter of fact today was one, Aug.4th. The one thing that calms me now kills me. It's annoyingly true. And hell no matter what I do to calm myself, have a moment to ease and clean my mind, I end up pissed. I completely end up stuck to looking at people who owns their own worlds, places I daydream to be there with him, missed him and it sucks to accept the mere fact that he can't be. here. with me. damn!
Things get a lot serious. How could I possibly take the fact that in order to work this realtionship out is to get used to the idea that HE IS NO LONGER GOING TO BE HERE WITH ME. The possiblities are definitely impossible. Just thinking how I'm going to do it, makes me crumpled myself to darkness and just spill the milk.
Waiting was never added to my world until he threw it on my face. Just a year seems a lifetime to me. And I'm running out of ideas to waste my time and mingle till it'll all be over.
Good luck to me in the next mind-blowing, unknown and deepest situations that awaits me.
DRAGGED AND UNCOMPOSE
Maybe he's right.
I'm not making sense. I pull the let-go word then push to stay again. I'm making things worse for him. Making him feel the agony of hanging to what extend can I still manage. It's unfair for him but unfair for me, my ego as well. He said it was like a slow kill. He knew sooner I'll give up, bend my knees and shout an insult at his wall. And he'll feel sorry for he can't even hug and calm me down to tell me "it's ok baby. I'm here" coz no matter what he does, no matter how hard I pleaded.. he's not here. To make things a lot easier for me.
SACRIFICE.
I hate it.
TOLERANCE.
I ignore it.
i'll try again. Try for the 5th time (I think). Try harder. And try over and over till the nth time. He's always worth it anyway.
Eventhough I know someday, I'll grew tired of this.
And maybe someday I'll just be sitting somewhere sipping a frappe and watch some lovers smile and laugh at each other till a teardrop fall from my cheek.
FINAL COUNT
I think this is the last chapter of it all.
It was the hardest week. EVER.
I got the longest weekend last week.
There was the pulling out, the destruction, the annoyance, the longing, the negligence, the incapability, the shortcomings, the stabbing and the last day didn’t let me out alive putting up Friday the 13th.
The weekend just prove something lacks in me. It shook my head and bat it up saying "you have a lot of other things going on with your life so get the hell up on your knees". It was an unusual weekend, even if I know why, I don't get to have the courage and strenght to fix it up.
I never thought it would be of this difficulty sewing the pieces of my heart all together. I know, it was painful, melting and pounding but nevertheless did I mind stretching my hand wide open in giving and holding with all my might. It was the farthest I can run. The place I stopped at, was neither because of the captivating ambience nor its soothing fragrance, I stopped on it because I can no longer hold my breath in running the race. I was defeated. I’ve malfunctioned. There were the could have’s, the should have’s and the would have’s. Everyday had a different story, but every single day hammers me with stress and agony. But no matter how they hit me so hard, ending each day was the hardest. Inside the jail, I can take it. Inside my cage, I can pretend to be happy. But in my bed, it was the unbearable. However, what can I do? I’m stuck here. Here - A place so far away from where I wanted to be in. I’m tired, I’m so sick of doing things I never wanted to do. I wanted to live freely. I’m worn-out. I’m dried of clinging and finding tasks I never wanted to be engaged with. The week gave me the feeling of tiresome on waking up and seeing the date fly slowly, making it seem endless. I wanted to sleep for so long, sleep everything up and sleep until the feeling goes away. They say time heals everything. Well F*** them all.
I don't want to count on days. Don't want to slip on it either. I want a normal life. A typical way of living it. Choices are what and how you make it.
Some things are just way way way impossible to patch together.
