fly..

its been a while since I've decided to write again. Although in my head I always do.

First, my "infatuation drunkenness" over my so called soul mate dream turning into reality kind of man is finally sinking in my head that he's merely a dream.

Second, my ever long distance relationship is moving towards a different level which is to the feeling I most likely hate - getting used to his absence.

Third, I'm becoming insane - well actually getting normal on other people's perspective.

I just don't understand why men get to be attracted to me when I am entirely a man hater now. Is this a joke? And courting nor showing stupid care won't ever count on me anymore!
Damn.. a lot of things just happened and if today would be the start of the days that someone right for me would come, well it'll be too difficult for him to get and break through my strongly thick barrier-ed walls. Too much hurt and agony had passed by my individuality leading my weakling self left behind.

My dreaming still invades my dull moments, keeping me alive and hoping. Thus, I need to be strong and keenly keep track of my ways on emitting him out in the corner of my room. I just want him out, somewhere I can't see, where light won't shine on it anymore to finally embrace reality that he will just take me for granted. A momentary bliss had made me feel warm, unto my cold skin. A slight touch of hope makes me shiver. Hurt, please get away from me I'm not a masochist why you adore me much.

Next, I don't think this longing would end but its getting there maybe sooner. There are coming twigs in our ways and comprehending each others' situation is becoming dynamic.

masochist.

mixed emotions had gone by my sight for the rest of the week.
There were the feet-cramps-stomach ache-over-excitement kind of thing, the painful pricking in my face, the want-a-bottle-of-beer kinda day, the annoyingly nonstop thinking over people and the wish-me-luck and do this do that days. Damn. seems like a month had gone by me men!
Risking made me strive for more hunger. It allows me to think of the premise I'm getting myself in now. A consuming hole which I know I would forever be trapped in. It also opened me to the fact that things just changed and never will I be able to put the puzzle back. I tend to hurt people because of this major RISK I played. At the end, I was defeated. I know that and no matter how hard I'll try and cover that up I'm never going to win. It was never really a question of "did I had it?" coz from the moment it ended I know the answer. Maybe I was just too afraid to admit it but the next days pushed me to accept it.
It was stupidity. It was like risking your life in a battle against a million strong and huge soldiers. But then, I died happily. Risking was always a choice. You never know the consequences it may bring but at least, at its very least YOU'VE TRIED. hahaha.. effort counts right?
I wouldn't stop until my sight becomes blurred.


One thing I'm damn sure of right now. Its that I can't take another heartache to penetrate me again.

i was walking down a street..

gazing at the sky, wondering where am I.

then suddenly it all went black, still I start walking.

until I saw a figure.

So I tried to haste my pace to get to it soon.

Then it turned out to be a boy.

Then my dream ended.

This went on for some months till I finally get to see his face.

Twas someone I know. Someone from my past. A friend.

That eventually became a lover.

A stupid mistake I did to him back then.

So, I started finding him now..

Until one day, I found him.

So happy to start a conversation with him and yet

afraid that he'll still be mad at me.

I didn't brought up my intention at first..

Luckily I did that, coz he no longer was the man I knew.

And I gotta throw all my stuff of memories of him.

It'll be stupid now to let him know how I feel.

It'll just cause an explosive issue but in a silent way.

I don't want another crashing heart.

Another nonsense jerk to just crumple my paper of invitation.

Another incareful move for me.

Which I would be the one being wounded at the end.

And which I was the one who proposed for it.

It'll be like suicide.

rain showers for the night

Maybe it's time to write a new one.
Open my life to change and accept the facts that I know I can never retrieve.
I wanna quit life actually.
Quit waiting.
Quit my vices.
Quit my passion.
Quit my music.
Quit my career.
Quit the car.
Quit the offers.
Quit school.
Quit friends.
Quit lover.
Quit myself.
Quit my routine.

And just fly..
Fly away further here.

Change my pace.
Change my lifestyle.
Change duty.
Change everything I am incapable of.

I wanna run somewhere near the person who knew me well.