Goodbye finally

I dreamt about it today. Today I’m finally saying goodbye to those dreams. It pierces me being the half self I can’t and want to be. It controls my ways and leave me breathless for long. It never determines the path I wanted to sway and instead it pushes me to wake up and consider reality shouting on me the words I don’t want to face. But now, I need to have the courage to accept things, I need to acknowledge the fact that under the tree of hope I can never really stay in its shade for long and gradually lean away it to face the road without grass and unknowing breeze.
Time is boundless. Time just heals anything. Time moves people even on paces they never thought they can. But destiny just told me that what’s bound is bound and what doesn’t will never be.

Love is the most dangerous thing on earth, it can tame even the wildest freak there is.

How come people tend to cling on the fact that in heaven they can be together? How can they be sure that on their next lives, that person will love them back? How come it’s harder to be happy to be alive?
Contentment. A word people don’t always try to do.
Comparison. Another word that people choose to do instead of counting their endless blessings.
Conquer. A word meaning of difficulty but is achievable.

There went the holding backs, I don’t want to talk because I know I would just sound senseless. Seeing it on my screen makes me feel a bit in high spirits. I don’t know why, but for sure this is something I eagerly know I won’t try pursuing.
Stalking became a habit, page by page, word by word; I sit back and understand stuffs going on. The fact of getting there, losing what I’ve got and losing my mind in grasping fate will be uncontrollable but I have to take an inch backward and just close my eyes in holding it.
I was good at this, trying my every nerve to get hurt and pretending with all my might not to get caught. Seeing the blank portion with the name thrilled me and makes me want to explore again but then I know would never be possible. And all I do is wait for a switch in opening a conversation, a cliché of saying hi then I’ll jump up in despair. Or if no switch was turned on, all I do was wait even for single information until it logouts.

Sometimes I wonder why people ever tried wasting their precious time over something that doesn’t do the same thing as them. Maybe in life that’s how it works; you give something without expecting something else in return, you sacrifice even if it’s not worthy enough, you do everything and anything even if it doesn’t say so.
Injustice? No, it was choice; it was never an ask-to-do-that kind of thing. And if you think you were suffering from it, and then maybe you better ask yourself if it’s a need or want to be doing.

I don’t know why I’m here.
I want to scream and shout of what I wanted, but life taught me that most things you wanted never really tap on your hands for so long.

I never questioned the absence, because long before I regret not being able to grasp the opportunity, the chance that was given to me, and the moments that could have been bliss.

I never thought I ever wanted to kill destiny and surpass it with all my strength.

I never thought that in some significant way I still can get a glimpse on aspiration. It is stupidity. It was all a dream. A dream that I never wanted to wake up to.

Lurk

Waiting is a form of looking forward unto something in an unknowing span of time.

There was a girl in a bench under a waiting shed of a bus stop early spring morning with him. They were sitting close but never touching the tips of their clothes. Beside him was a luggage while with the girl was just holding her purse. Minutes pass and still no words were held. Wind blowing and grass dancing were the only on-sight views for them. Neither was staring at each other. Neither one looked even on their sideways looking for a bus or any vehicle that might come. Suddenly, a vendor came in and asking the lady if she wanted a ripe and fresh mango but he lady angled her hand waved to no. And so the vendor pushed his cart toward the road again but the man in the bench halt him saying he wanted two. As soon as the vendor left a loud rushing sound came clearly near them, the man looked on his left side and saw the bus approaching so he held his luggage, fixed his hair and held his gaze to the woman beside her. He put one ripe mango in her lap and gently kissed her lips, then rode the bus that left. The woman still said nothing. After an hour or so the woman decided to stand and walk her way down the road faintly.

Tonight I’ll be pouring my heart out.

Hurdles. Struggles. Pains. Fears. Cries. Anger. Hopes. Disbeliefs. Whining.

There is just too much water running down my system, I wanted to hold your hand, held a gaze and just swim near you. But I guess reality knocks that I’m drowning that even you didn’t saw me fall off the cliff.

Getting used. Cries. Teases. Laughing. Playing. Patting. Chilling. Relaxing. Going out often. Contemplating. Whining.

One day I’ll find my way out of this dark and unknown room. One day I’ll stand out of your shadow. One day I’ll learn struggling without your hands, without your words, without your push. One day I’ll stop believing that you’re going to push hard and break off the door to get me out. One day I’ll figure out how to get out of here on my own. One day I’ll skip thinking how. One day I’ll cry no more. Someday, somehow I’ll gain strength turning back at you and walk down the alley smiling bravely.

Forgetting. Out-wit and out-done the tiring feeling of waiting. Quitting. Firing. Negligence. Stopping. Believe to other things in life. Whining.

I’m not done with this. I’m still undergoing the last stage. When I’m done with everything here I’ll get back to blog again about this topic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUwxKWT6m7U