zero

I feel like I don't own this.
It felt like I was going the wrong road.
It kills me.
At the same time it's pissing me off.

It's like driving a truck. One night, it felt like I know all the turns, the light signals, the signs, the stops until I finally decided to drive a BMW, I thought it would be the same issues, same controls but I was wrong. Driving would had been easy but controlling and maneuvering went back to square one. It felt like my car doesn't allow me to handle itself. TRUST. I guess it's everything. I don't feel like my car don't completely trust me, my capabilities and my strength. But I know, I'm new at this and that maybe I am also contemplating on what's dined at the table in front of me.

I'm not used at this.
It felt completely strange.
I should stop somewhere.
I got to learn the basics again.

urrghh!! It's confusing. Not as confusing as a puzzle but more of like the DDTank game. I get to play on the league a lot of times at its game house. Giving me enough experience to level up then to its armory to strengthen my weapons then to its academy for more skills improvement and to its shop, then the marriage council, stuffs that over time bored me. Until one day, a boatyard task came to life. I never even thought it was part of the whole thing. And things get to be confusing from here. It was never ending. It's addicting. It's controlling. Sometimes, I just wanted to give up because I don't get what I wanted.

But actually, it's swallowing me.
It's filling me.
It's blurring my sight.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm not compensated.
I can't argue this way.
I can't fight.
I just can't start if you won't let me.

At times, it felt strange for me.
A lot of times I felt dismissed.
I felt unimportant.
And it felt miserable.
I don't feel seriousness.
I felt neglected.
Feels like he is not ready.

I am way happy to even ignore things.
It's awakening me.
I just can't get enough.

 

ikr

As of the start of this day,
I kept thinking how eager I will be.
I kept asking myself of the possibilities.
How the circumstances may draw.
And why I wanted it so badly.
Love is not an easy answer.
It is not selfish.
It is worth everything in life.
It is ideal.
It is realistic.
It is self-fulfilling.
The days passed shall I say been easy for me.
Simply because I have someone I can lean on anytime.
The reason of being here, is too difficult to outwit.
Yet I didn't get a single slap on my face.
I never thought it would be this easy.
On my first day, I even cursed the world.
I was so numb. And so dumb.
I was so blind.
I was disturbed by my other happiness.
I didn't get to figure out that there was something wrong.
It made me stronger.
I handled it quite easy, remarkably impressive.
And today, no matter how many things were running in my head
I decided to risk.
I know there won't be any difficult moments I can't handle.
There won't be dull moments.
Everything would seem in place.
Everything would be easy.
That's the power I see in it.
Risking would be like suicide.
But if I get to be hurt badly again, I know its captivating.
I know I still win inside, because I follow what I truly wanted.
It will seem that I fail but for me, it is winning.
It will be the sweetest failure for me.
With risking, I get to answer every single question I have.
And no matter what those answers would be, I'll be happy.
Happiness is something I found.
Happiness is always a choice.
I'm choosing not to be certain now, and take the step.
Taking the chance.

http://xreesex.blogspot.com

D-E-N-Y

ignorance would be bliss.

I didn't expect things to be as difficult as it seems now.

He's so much more. Than just by looking how fragile he seems.
It's annoying.

It's like magnet for me.
The more I oppose, the more I get dragged on it.

The days seemed longer.
I just wanted to hide myself.
I wanted to stray on the strings,
let the wind take me and
just forget the past.

I wanted to fly away from you.

I wanted to figure it out.

But what am I dreaming?

I thought I would just forgot.

Forgetting would be so much more.

Forgetting would be so ridiculous

Forgetting would mean destruction.

It would mean total hell for quite some time.

At times, I kept wondering on how life would be.

How deliciously-silent it would be.

Why you'd broken in my door and survived my security measures.

How on earth you get in so quick.

Might be magic, I tell myself.

It seems so easy, that easy for him.

The months of putting those walls were all now shattered.

Now I need refuge.

It was a matter of life and death for me.

One more weep and I swear I'll fall down on my knees so hard.

It will be so hard, I couldn't imagine breathing in space anymore.

It would be a mystic, in-despicable torture.


For now, I need to cling on myself.
Cling on my hopes so often.
Cling on my priorities as much as possible.
And try my best to hold my guards.

But then, at the end of the day,

I don't want you to flown away from me.

And I wouldn't let you.

What would it be without you..

I can do this. Trust me. I'm good at this.