delirious

Reality creeps today. 
Yesterday was enough to open chances and learning and yearnings to straighten my mind and capabilities towards the right road. 
I should really be heading north and stop pausing on stop overs and long cuts. 
I never realize sailing can be of this complex.
I've been trapped and unfamiliar-ized by my compass, I went subtle on my guide. 
I didn't follow the directions and now I have to make absolute turn over.
 It’s been a while, a lot of time had slipped leaving me shattered and dismayed at the outcomes. 
Intervening people and events became something soothing for the last months. 
Time consumed me a lot of opportunities that I slipped away from my fingers, I was unfair. I hungered for things and chances even if I know can never be offered to me. 
I am undeserving of everything upon anything. 

I loathe too much. Too much of him to offer me. 

And I, bugging and bragging about it would be injustice to completely welcome the feeling that he can when it really is impossible. 

I’m impossibly crazy, I know. 

The knowledge of recognizing that it’s extremely impossible would be more wound-ful. 

There are just things that I certainly at any matter can not and will not be able to change. 
And specifically, it includes him. 
At the end of the day, questions struggle me. 

Am I wanting too much? 
Am I disoriented? Am I impossible? 
Is it that difficult? 

It is just way, way unsymmetrical. 
I know, however I try to escape things in regards of him, I can not run entirely away from him. 

It will surely take a lot, I mean a bunch of guts to achieve it. 

It will take time. 
It may take forever to patch and sue. 
And forever is just an illusion..

Where's my Edward?
Yes, it's fiction. It's just a dream.

torn

Resubmission opt the sensibly contagious fragments of agony resembling to unfold truth and unsteady in denial. Sometimes normalizing and weighing the indefinite and incapable status is the most difficult to serene. How can I betray myself? I grasp at my words, I chew them then the next day I’m cradling and whining it. I just began to abandon my totally equipped and enforced self again. Why the hell? And most specifically, what the hell? I sublimed. I just submerge my inner thoughts and didn’t, probably never wanting to hear out my subconscious.

That day, I just sit. I watch the clock and wait. Patience is never a virtue because patience is never ideal or a piece of hope for me. It pinches me. It detached every single absorbing filament in my skin, I can do this. And as time pass more slowly; I stuck in my place more agonizingly crazy. There it goes once, twice, thrice, quadruple. Everything happens with some minutes that seemed days apart. My head spins. It just spins too piercingly. Jealousy: it’s unnervingly stupid to admit. How can I want someone, belonging to me already? It is unpeeling. It doesn’t seem parallel for what I’ve signed up for. I felt suppress under my own kingdom and king. Two hours, seems two counting centuries had been passing me. And I felt stagnant and mediocre inside. I am in the urge to know every single detail that pushed his limits and convince his self to be there. I am at meek point to drive the outcome of the event. I was waiting, panting. All day. And nothing happened. I let him sleep happily and soundly while I wrestle myself with my thoughts and absurd information. I thought starting up the conversation would mean more pain, more sorrow and of course me, as a masochist. Argh! My stomach tightens in awe.

The next day I was lingering for answers. I struggle finding the right excuses, the right techniques, the right methods to start the conversation. Establishing a shallow truth and heart-wrecking justification on how the whole situation occurred. Finally, it had come. He finally broke the ice, which was once an ocean I was swimming at. It was magnificently tearing my self into pieces. It was as if a gun was positioned in my skull. I can not breathe. I was grasping for air knowing that I wasn’t capable of being in that position or was I never enough. Anger overflows. I cannot contain such. But then, at the end, I felt defeated. I slept after a traditional talk, still wrecked inside. Thank God my voice didn’t betray me. I need to constantly remind myself that I do not own him. And that any given moment soon, I should stray.

Plans. Plans.. Plans.

Day 2 Plan failed.

Dashing through the snow in a one hall open sways. I felt guilty – damn how could I - when in fact, I was just protecting myself.

Plan b Discussion.

Grrrrr.. This would be the most difficult other than avoiding him.

Acceptance: accepting and taking the things I can not change.

Plan c Strike 3.

It would mean a total knock out round for me.

It would begin so much more. With crossed fingers.

bazaar

Contentment. It is such a strong and enormous word for every significant human being on the planet.
It is idealistic, imaginative and conquerable. It will take huge amount of strength and time in order to process its system. It will endure plenty struggles and temptations. It will surpass the inevitable. It is possible.

The week had been - ugh!, so tight.
I never did imagine running a 7-day of total weakening days.
Someone I once had my life rotating on went subtle. It was contemplating. It was like a needle pinching in my neck. It was numbing me inside out.
I was just so blessed I was saved by my mighty hero. The other four days of the week was my strength, keeping me away from obscurities and insecurities.
At the end, I realized that the past lingers in the present.
The past can be of help for the present ideas and decisions, that is the most it can do.
The past stays at the past and the present is all that matters now.
Plus some major work-related surprises.
A great but wants-more game.

Life is a matter of choices.
A matter of life and death these choices are.

Hardships.
I want to figure out how it feels like embracing my state right now, with my other significant people.
It doesn't really mean it is a total commitment agenda but the oblivion on putting them together makes me excite at how it looks and feels. I think I deserve this. I deserve better. I owe myself a reward for good relationship. It will be an exact full turn of the wheel - on me engaging the two worlds - but I think it will be extremely fun and fulfilling. I waited a very long time to experience this. I hope it will turn out surprisingly positive.

True Love is a gift.

It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn’t simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn’t used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica’s mind… her mind isn’t very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn’t know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating.
Twilight, Chapter 13, p.271

In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn’t believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it’s all new to me, that I’m good at it… at being with you…
Twilight, Chapter 14, p.300

POST

Time flies. It flies so high. Like an eagle soaring high in the skies searching for its target, no other species can see it, until it comes near it and the next thing it knew death is coming its way oh so sweet. Time flies higher than any machine-flying vehicle could. But it also flies so fast, leaving the stagnant, worthless and naive. It is so fast that the routines were never felt already. That fast when singing a song could be on short-ways in skipping to get to the next one.

T aking
I mminent
M oments
E xtravagantly

Adore.

Wiseguy just gave me the most beautiful things in the planet. No matter how unworthy, un-trusting, less deserving and ignorant I maybe. He is just so good to me. How can I not be of good credit to him even on simple ways that I can do.? Injustice. A lot of choices, chances. Opportunities strike well, bulls-eyed in my mind, heart but not in my hands. (HAHAHHAHA) Lesson learned :  great things in life are felt not given physically.

Absurd.

Sometimes the most difficult struggle one can ever encounter, is the struggle in conquering yourself.
I have been asking a lot of questions with myself for a few days now, it was as if I just had my adolescence stage. After all these years, how come it's just now, just this week did I happen to feel that I am not doing anything right with my life. Every choice and everything running in my hands were as if ghosts. Things I opt to choose were really insignificant of what I thought few years back reasonable. It is as if I wasn't on my shoes and on my track.

Frailty.

Maybe change do really occur. How come I wasn't able to embrace it whole-heartily? Things were really not just questions, but of course are real substantial force in conquering something different and fragile. It was as if, people think I was on my track back again, but what if, just what if, I really don't belong here. I want to stop wandering and wondering the what ifs, I want to start leaning on my own capabilities without being mindful of being judged. Yet, at the end of the day, it pinches me from within, taking baby steps to the current world and starting a new world would mean a back to zero game. I am just not as strong as an old tree tested by time, I am like some grass withering and grows whenever climate persists.

now, how?

It was a piece of cake, right?
(discontinued)

Actually, it was all my fault.
Yes, it is indeed mine.
I assumed.
I trusted.
I open myself up.
I cling-ed easily.
I expressed a lot.
I was weak.
I was annoying.
I was serious.
I was hoping.
I was blinded.
I didn't see any of that.
I was too positive.
I was so wrong.
I was impulsive.
I was pushy.
I was waiting too.
I was patient.
I was too submissive.
I was direct.
I was insignificant.
I was really a nothing.
I was irritating.
I felt sympathetic-ed.
I felt ranged.
I felt dumb.
I felt useless.
I felt granted.
I felt stupid.
I am stupid.
I am numb.
I am hopeless.
I am pitiful.
I am impatient really.
I am pointless.
I want sleep.
I want life.
I want to stay here.
I want to be alone.


"Go and take your sympathy with you,
I don't need it, I never did.
I can make it on my own."

falling

zero

I feel like I don't own this.
It felt like I was going the wrong road.
It kills me.
At the same time it's pissing me off.

It's like driving a truck. One night, it felt like I know all the turns, the light signals, the signs, the stops until I finally decided to drive a BMW, I thought it would be the same issues, same controls but I was wrong. Driving would had been easy but controlling and maneuvering went back to square one. It felt like my car doesn't allow me to handle itself. TRUST. I guess it's everything. I don't feel like my car don't completely trust me, my capabilities and my strength. But I know, I'm new at this and that maybe I am also contemplating on what's dined at the table in front of me.

I'm not used at this.
It felt completely strange.
I should stop somewhere.
I got to learn the basics again.

urrghh!! It's confusing. Not as confusing as a puzzle but more of like the DDTank game. I get to play on the league a lot of times at its game house. Giving me enough experience to level up then to its armory to strengthen my weapons then to its academy for more skills improvement and to its shop, then the marriage council, stuffs that over time bored me. Until one day, a boatyard task came to life. I never even thought it was part of the whole thing. And things get to be confusing from here. It was never ending. It's addicting. It's controlling. Sometimes, I just wanted to give up because I don't get what I wanted.

But actually, it's swallowing me.
It's filling me.
It's blurring my sight.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm not compensated.
I can't argue this way.
I can't fight.
I just can't start if you won't let me.

At times, it felt strange for me.
A lot of times I felt dismissed.
I felt unimportant.
And it felt miserable.
I don't feel seriousness.
I felt neglected.
Feels like he is not ready.

I am way happy to even ignore things.
It's awakening me.
I just can't get enough.