torn

Resubmission opt the sensibly contagious fragments of agony resembling to unfold truth and unsteady in denial. Sometimes normalizing and weighing the indefinite and incapable status is the most difficult to serene. How can I betray myself? I grasp at my words, I chew them then the next day I’m cradling and whining it. I just began to abandon my totally equipped and enforced self again. Why the hell? And most specifically, what the hell? I sublimed. I just submerge my inner thoughts and didn’t, probably never wanting to hear out my subconscious.

That day, I just sit. I watch the clock and wait. Patience is never a virtue because patience is never ideal or a piece of hope for me. It pinches me. It detached every single absorbing filament in my skin, I can do this. And as time pass more slowly; I stuck in my place more agonizingly crazy. There it goes once, twice, thrice, quadruple. Everything happens with some minutes that seemed days apart. My head spins. It just spins too piercingly. Jealousy: it’s unnervingly stupid to admit. How can I want someone, belonging to me already? It is unpeeling. It doesn’t seem parallel for what I’ve signed up for. I felt suppress under my own kingdom and king. Two hours, seems two counting centuries had been passing me. And I felt stagnant and mediocre inside. I am in the urge to know every single detail that pushed his limits and convince his self to be there. I am at meek point to drive the outcome of the event. I was waiting, panting. All day. And nothing happened. I let him sleep happily and soundly while I wrestle myself with my thoughts and absurd information. I thought starting up the conversation would mean more pain, more sorrow and of course me, as a masochist. Argh! My stomach tightens in awe.

The next day I was lingering for answers. I struggle finding the right excuses, the right techniques, the right methods to start the conversation. Establishing a shallow truth and heart-wrecking justification on how the whole situation occurred. Finally, it had come. He finally broke the ice, which was once an ocean I was swimming at. It was magnificently tearing my self into pieces. It was as if a gun was positioned in my skull. I can not breathe. I was grasping for air knowing that I wasn’t capable of being in that position or was I never enough. Anger overflows. I cannot contain such. But then, at the end, I felt defeated. I slept after a traditional talk, still wrecked inside. Thank God my voice didn’t betray me. I need to constantly remind myself that I do not own him. And that any given moment soon, I should stray.

Plans. Plans.. Plans.

Day 2 Plan failed.

Dashing through the snow in a one hall open sways. I felt guilty – damn how could I - when in fact, I was just protecting myself.

Plan b Discussion.

Grrrrr.. This would be the most difficult other than avoiding him.

Acceptance: accepting and taking the things I can not change.

Plan c Strike 3.

It would mean a total knock out round for me.

It would begin so much more. With crossed fingers.