The perfect enemy

There are just times when you feel that everything is normal.
Normal day, perfect weather or a nice spot to start everything up.
When all of a sudden, it fades to gray then black.
Then everything became a total black out.
You can't see anything.
You don't know which way to go.
And no matter where you run, nothing is happening.
Nothing seems to move.
Nothing, exactly nothing was feeling good.
And every single thing is a full strange attack of absurdity.

---------
I just don't think I am ready.
Not ready to lay my hands on top of the heating pan.
Not ready to follow any other rules.
Not even ready to acknowledge all of my weaknesses.
Maybe, not ready for anything

Maybe I'm scared.
Still freaking scared.
Agonized by my past, still no room for tomorrows.
Still behind all my reasons and pulling them tighter around my arms.

I can't let go.
And I can't move on.
A lot of ifs, whys, hows and cants.
I just don't think I deserve happiness.

Or should I say, I can't really ask myself to struggle one more time.
I was strong enough.
And I can't let it be broken anymore.
I can't put my guards down now.
Now, that I've made all my bricks smolder enough not to break.

It can't break.
I can't afford it to break.
Breaking would mean losing the only thing that is left of me.

I'll fly away from here.
Now that I have my chance.
I will forget everything, stand up on my feet.
And leave my foolish heart behind.