damn.. questions

Maybe I am; I am stuck.

The days swiftly pass. Routine as it may seem.

Declaration of astonishment on peculiar ideas was the dumb thought, as days sway.

Think and over-think.
Run and overrun.
Turn just upturn.
Wiggle and wrinkle.

I am ignorant.
I am ruined.
I am just so uncertain.

I disguise even to my own self.
I forget how to figure my way back, everything else now seems dark. And its darker and meaner than the usual. I cling on things I can never really manage, and roll it out as if I am really clasping it, when in fact I am not. I can't direct things. I can't even make it stay whirling hence I always slip it out my fingers. Even just under my fingers, I wasn't good enough managing it; how much more wrapping it around my arms and body.

It's useless. Seamless.
Where do I go from here. I am just completely lost.
I lose track of everything.
How did I get here in the first place?
I don't quite remember.
And if I did, I could have, should have, would have - no, there is no way out now.

I am stuck in a whirlpool of complete obvious disillusionment. 

delirious

Reality creeps today. 
Yesterday was enough to open chances and learning and yearnings to straighten my mind and capabilities towards the right road. 
I should really be heading north and stop pausing on stop overs and long cuts. 
I never realize sailing can be of this complex.
I've been trapped and unfamiliar-ized by my compass, I went subtle on my guide. 
I didn't follow the directions and now I have to make absolute turn over.
 It’s been a while, a lot of time had slipped leaving me shattered and dismayed at the outcomes. 
Intervening people and events became something soothing for the last months. 
Time consumed me a lot of opportunities that I slipped away from my fingers, I was unfair. I hungered for things and chances even if I know can never be offered to me. 
I am undeserving of everything upon anything. 

I loathe too much. Too much of him to offer me. 

And I, bugging and bragging about it would be injustice to completely welcome the feeling that he can when it really is impossible. 

I’m impossibly crazy, I know. 

The knowledge of recognizing that it’s extremely impossible would be more wound-ful. 

There are just things that I certainly at any matter can not and will not be able to change. 
And specifically, it includes him. 
At the end of the day, questions struggle me. 

Am I wanting too much? 
Am I disoriented? Am I impossible? 
Is it that difficult? 

It is just way, way unsymmetrical. 
I know, however I try to escape things in regards of him, I can not run entirely away from him. 

It will surely take a lot, I mean a bunch of guts to achieve it. 

It will take time. 
It may take forever to patch and sue. 
And forever is just an illusion..

Where's my Edward?
Yes, it's fiction. It's just a dream.

torn

Resubmission opt the sensibly contagious fragments of agony resembling to unfold truth and unsteady in denial. Sometimes normalizing and weighing the indefinite and incapable status is the most difficult to serene. How can I betray myself? I grasp at my words, I chew them then the next day I’m cradling and whining it. I just began to abandon my totally equipped and enforced self again. Why the hell? And most specifically, what the hell? I sublimed. I just submerge my inner thoughts and didn’t, probably never wanting to hear out my subconscious.

That day, I just sit. I watch the clock and wait. Patience is never a virtue because patience is never ideal or a piece of hope for me. It pinches me. It detached every single absorbing filament in my skin, I can do this. And as time pass more slowly; I stuck in my place more agonizingly crazy. There it goes once, twice, thrice, quadruple. Everything happens with some minutes that seemed days apart. My head spins. It just spins too piercingly. Jealousy: it’s unnervingly stupid to admit. How can I want someone, belonging to me already? It is unpeeling. It doesn’t seem parallel for what I’ve signed up for. I felt suppress under my own kingdom and king. Two hours, seems two counting centuries had been passing me. And I felt stagnant and mediocre inside. I am in the urge to know every single detail that pushed his limits and convince his self to be there. I am at meek point to drive the outcome of the event. I was waiting, panting. All day. And nothing happened. I let him sleep happily and soundly while I wrestle myself with my thoughts and absurd information. I thought starting up the conversation would mean more pain, more sorrow and of course me, as a masochist. Argh! My stomach tightens in awe.

The next day I was lingering for answers. I struggle finding the right excuses, the right techniques, the right methods to start the conversation. Establishing a shallow truth and heart-wrecking justification on how the whole situation occurred. Finally, it had come. He finally broke the ice, which was once an ocean I was swimming at. It was magnificently tearing my self into pieces. It was as if a gun was positioned in my skull. I can not breathe. I was grasping for air knowing that I wasn’t capable of being in that position or was I never enough. Anger overflows. I cannot contain such. But then, at the end, I felt defeated. I slept after a traditional talk, still wrecked inside. Thank God my voice didn’t betray me. I need to constantly remind myself that I do not own him. And that any given moment soon, I should stray.

Plans. Plans.. Plans.

Day 2 Plan failed.

Dashing through the snow in a one hall open sways. I felt guilty – damn how could I - when in fact, I was just protecting myself.

Plan b Discussion.

Grrrrr.. This would be the most difficult other than avoiding him.

Acceptance: accepting and taking the things I can not change.

Plan c Strike 3.

It would mean a total knock out round for me.

It would begin so much more. With crossed fingers.

bazaar

Contentment. It is such a strong and enormous word for every significant human being on the planet.
It is idealistic, imaginative and conquerable. It will take huge amount of strength and time in order to process its system. It will endure plenty struggles and temptations. It will surpass the inevitable. It is possible.

The week had been - ugh!, so tight.
I never did imagine running a 7-day of total weakening days.
Someone I once had my life rotating on went subtle. It was contemplating. It was like a needle pinching in my neck. It was numbing me inside out.
I was just so blessed I was saved by my mighty hero. The other four days of the week was my strength, keeping me away from obscurities and insecurities.
At the end, I realized that the past lingers in the present.
The past can be of help for the present ideas and decisions, that is the most it can do.
The past stays at the past and the present is all that matters now.
Plus some major work-related surprises.
A great but wants-more game.

Life is a matter of choices.
A matter of life and death these choices are.

Hardships.
I want to figure out how it feels like embracing my state right now, with my other significant people.
It doesn't really mean it is a total commitment agenda but the oblivion on putting them together makes me excite at how it looks and feels. I think I deserve this. I deserve better. I owe myself a reward for good relationship. It will be an exact full turn of the wheel - on me engaging the two worlds - but I think it will be extremely fun and fulfilling. I waited a very long time to experience this. I hope it will turn out surprisingly positive.

True Love is a gift.

It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn’t simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn’t used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica’s mind… her mind isn’t very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn’t know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating.
Twilight, Chapter 13, p.271

In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn’t believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it’s all new to me, that I’m good at it… at being with you…
Twilight, Chapter 14, p.300

POST

Time flies. It flies so high. Like an eagle soaring high in the skies searching for its target, no other species can see it, until it comes near it and the next thing it knew death is coming its way oh so sweet. Time flies higher than any machine-flying vehicle could. But it also flies so fast, leaving the stagnant, worthless and naive. It is so fast that the routines were never felt already. That fast when singing a song could be on short-ways in skipping to get to the next one.

T aking
I mminent
M oments
E xtravagantly

Adore.

Wiseguy just gave me the most beautiful things in the planet. No matter how unworthy, un-trusting, less deserving and ignorant I maybe. He is just so good to me. How can I not be of good credit to him even on simple ways that I can do.? Injustice. A lot of choices, chances. Opportunities strike well, bulls-eyed in my mind, heart but not in my hands. (HAHAHHAHA) Lesson learned :  great things in life are felt not given physically.

Absurd.

Sometimes the most difficult struggle one can ever encounter, is the struggle in conquering yourself.
I have been asking a lot of questions with myself for a few days now, it was as if I just had my adolescence stage. After all these years, how come it's just now, just this week did I happen to feel that I am not doing anything right with my life. Every choice and everything running in my hands were as if ghosts. Things I opt to choose were really insignificant of what I thought few years back reasonable. It is as if I wasn't on my shoes and on my track.

Frailty.

Maybe change do really occur. How come I wasn't able to embrace it whole-heartily? Things were really not just questions, but of course are real substantial force in conquering something different and fragile. It was as if, people think I was on my track back again, but what if, just what if, I really don't belong here. I want to stop wandering and wondering the what ifs, I want to start leaning on my own capabilities without being mindful of being judged. Yet, at the end of the day, it pinches me from within, taking baby steps to the current world and starting a new world would mean a back to zero game. I am just not as strong as an old tree tested by time, I am like some grass withering and grows whenever climate persists.

now, how?

It was a piece of cake, right?
(discontinued)

Actually, it was all my fault.
Yes, it is indeed mine.
I assumed.
I trusted.
I open myself up.
I cling-ed easily.
I expressed a lot.
I was weak.
I was annoying.
I was serious.
I was hoping.
I was blinded.
I didn't see any of that.
I was too positive.
I was so wrong.
I was impulsive.
I was pushy.
I was waiting too.
I was patient.
I was too submissive.
I was direct.
I was insignificant.
I was really a nothing.
I was irritating.
I felt sympathetic-ed.
I felt ranged.
I felt dumb.
I felt useless.
I felt granted.
I felt stupid.
I am stupid.
I am numb.
I am hopeless.
I am pitiful.
I am impatient really.
I am pointless.
I want sleep.
I want life.
I want to stay here.
I want to be alone.


"Go and take your sympathy with you,
I don't need it, I never did.
I can make it on my own."

falling

zero

I feel like I don't own this.
It felt like I was going the wrong road.
It kills me.
At the same time it's pissing me off.

It's like driving a truck. One night, it felt like I know all the turns, the light signals, the signs, the stops until I finally decided to drive a BMW, I thought it would be the same issues, same controls but I was wrong. Driving would had been easy but controlling and maneuvering went back to square one. It felt like my car doesn't allow me to handle itself. TRUST. I guess it's everything. I don't feel like my car don't completely trust me, my capabilities and my strength. But I know, I'm new at this and that maybe I am also contemplating on what's dined at the table in front of me.

I'm not used at this.
It felt completely strange.
I should stop somewhere.
I got to learn the basics again.

urrghh!! It's confusing. Not as confusing as a puzzle but more of like the DDTank game. I get to play on the league a lot of times at its game house. Giving me enough experience to level up then to its armory to strengthen my weapons then to its academy for more skills improvement and to its shop, then the marriage council, stuffs that over time bored me. Until one day, a boatyard task came to life. I never even thought it was part of the whole thing. And things get to be confusing from here. It was never ending. It's addicting. It's controlling. Sometimes, I just wanted to give up because I don't get what I wanted.

But actually, it's swallowing me.
It's filling me.
It's blurring my sight.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm not compensated.
I can't argue this way.
I can't fight.
I just can't start if you won't let me.

At times, it felt strange for me.
A lot of times I felt dismissed.
I felt unimportant.
And it felt miserable.
I don't feel seriousness.
I felt neglected.
Feels like he is not ready.

I am way happy to even ignore things.
It's awakening me.
I just can't get enough.

 

ikr

As of the start of this day,
I kept thinking how eager I will be.
I kept asking myself of the possibilities.
How the circumstances may draw.
And why I wanted it so badly.
Love is not an easy answer.
It is not selfish.
It is worth everything in life.
It is ideal.
It is realistic.
It is self-fulfilling.
The days passed shall I say been easy for me.
Simply because I have someone I can lean on anytime.
The reason of being here, is too difficult to outwit.
Yet I didn't get a single slap on my face.
I never thought it would be this easy.
On my first day, I even cursed the world.
I was so numb. And so dumb.
I was so blind.
I was disturbed by my other happiness.
I didn't get to figure out that there was something wrong.
It made me stronger.
I handled it quite easy, remarkably impressive.
And today, no matter how many things were running in my head
I decided to risk.
I know there won't be any difficult moments I can't handle.
There won't be dull moments.
Everything would seem in place.
Everything would be easy.
That's the power I see in it.
Risking would be like suicide.
But if I get to be hurt badly again, I know its captivating.
I know I still win inside, because I follow what I truly wanted.
It will seem that I fail but for me, it is winning.
It will be the sweetest failure for me.
With risking, I get to answer every single question I have.
And no matter what those answers would be, I'll be happy.
Happiness is something I found.
Happiness is always a choice.
I'm choosing not to be certain now, and take the step.
Taking the chance.

http://xreesex.blogspot.com

D-E-N-Y

ignorance would be bliss.

I didn't expect things to be as difficult as it seems now.

He's so much more. Than just by looking how fragile he seems.
It's annoying.

It's like magnet for me.
The more I oppose, the more I get dragged on it.

The days seemed longer.
I just wanted to hide myself.
I wanted to stray on the strings,
let the wind take me and
just forget the past.

I wanted to fly away from you.

I wanted to figure it out.

But what am I dreaming?

I thought I would just forgot.

Forgetting would be so much more.

Forgetting would be so ridiculous

Forgetting would mean destruction.

It would mean total hell for quite some time.

At times, I kept wondering on how life would be.

How deliciously-silent it would be.

Why you'd broken in my door and survived my security measures.

How on earth you get in so quick.

Might be magic, I tell myself.

It seems so easy, that easy for him.

The months of putting those walls were all now shattered.

Now I need refuge.

It was a matter of life and death for me.

One more weep and I swear I'll fall down on my knees so hard.

It will be so hard, I couldn't imagine breathing in space anymore.

It would be a mystic, in-despicable torture.


For now, I need to cling on myself.
Cling on my hopes so often.
Cling on my priorities as much as possible.
And try my best to hold my guards.

But then, at the end of the day,

I don't want you to flown away from me.

And I wouldn't let you.

What would it be without you..

I can do this. Trust me. I'm good at this.

RIDDANCE

 a human condition is a sense of generalized boredom, social alienation and apathy.


It's fearing the unknown.

It's imagining breathlessness.







It's not managing the scrabbles.

 



It's space-less.

 

It's quitting everything on your grasps. 

 


It's soaring differently.

It's a farewell.

 




It's threading on wood.

 

It's impossible.

REESE

“I think that perhaps we always fall in love the very first time we see the man of our dreams, even though, at the time, reason may be telling otherwise, and we may fight against that instinct, hoping against hope that we won't win, until there comes a point when we allow ourselves to be vanquished by our feelings...”







Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.


The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.




“I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange.




"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?" "Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure.




"Does he love me?"
...
"You're asking the wrong question.  What you need to know is are you in a position to give him the love he needs.  And whatever happens or doesn't happen will be equally gratifying.  Knowing that you are capable of love is enough.  If it isn't him, it will be someone else.  You've discovered a wellspring; simply allow it to flow and it will fill your world.  Don't try to keep a safe distance so as to see what happens.  Don't wait to be certain before you take a step."

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

I Just Won

3rd day..

I won. I just did it. I succeeded.
I never thought it would be this early. Winning is so sweet. It went crazily delicious for me.

This day I took the MRT and went to Dhouby Ghaut to meet my cousin Ash then we went to the malls in orchard, she had been living here, she is taking her college here. But then everything in orchard had almost seem unfamiliar for her. And it's a good thing for me, at least we will be exploring things and places together.
Of course, we didn't left the streets of Orchard without the famous "dirty ice cream" here - when in fact it is not as dirty as it is in the PH because it's SELECTA! - named WALL'S. It is so delicious, I wanted to let you try this because I know you are such fun of ice creams.

                

                         

Then we finished at around 630pm with daylight still surrounding us.
We hang around their place, watched silly comedy stuffs here in SG. People here really look funny and stupid, well I know for them we looked the same thing we think of them. Then after dinner, we went out again, now with another cousin, the three of us lurked at places and people around. People during the 930pm time looks and acts really funny and weird. We just laughed at them so hard. We ended up at some place near my place, Shane another cousin of mine, showed us their so called "Narnia" place. At the end of the street, we saw a very dark and creepy forest, we were stunned to see a cement staircase at its side. We went up it, it was really creepy but as we reached the top it was a cemented, a little long pavement in it, where we watched the sky. The sky here don't really have a lot shiny in it. Less stars here. Then a call came, asking them to go home, so the day was over.

The first thing I did when I arrived home, is to check for the "update". It was an hour past post since I came. It was a simple picture. But damn, it melted my heart.

Then button was switched on. I won!! It felt enormous. It felt like burning me, it swells my eyes. Its just so good, so great to finally see words, real time conversation with this special person.

But I know in myself that I didn't really win things over and in contrary to it I made things harder.
And at the end of the conversation these words were what I told myself :

extrasystole

Second day..


arggggh.
the day seems long. longer than i expected it to be.. updating and waiting went a little crazily impatient for me.
I just miss you big time.
The windows here are open even on night time..
Horror scene everywhere. The corridors. The bricks. The streets. The silence.

but this.. made my day.

even if I don't really know if its for me.

HAHA!! This is for me.

but with this.. i know. it's mine.

invade the HERO!

first day..


Things were easy here.
It's cloudy. Dark a bit. I just love the weather today.
People are quiet here. The streets are quiet too.
Everywhere was like a good place to read a book or paint or draw onto.




I washed the dishes today, and of course I just happened to slipped a bowl out of the counter and bang! it was deserted into pieces. Great!
I even did the cheese stick with a twist - it was stuffed with ham, bell pepper and cheese - that was teased as "pizza stick".
I wanted, actually I needed to be busy. So freaking much.
While I was doing the pizza stick, I was still thinking about someone.
It sucks. It ruins me. It ruins my being.
My phone is still empty, my uncle even went out to buy me a charger.
When in fact, I don't want it on - it will just kill me more.
The urge to stop whatever I was doing just to check if a message was there.
The missing feeling on every single day of messaging each other.
It was enormous.
Nonsustaining me.
Last night went incredible for being a WALL STALKER. It was like please-update-your-wall-so-i-can-see-what-your-unto kind of thing. Damn.. It feels crazy.

"Misunderstanding an
Internal
Suffering for
Someone like
U!"
Even liking this status went difficult.
awwwwwwwwwwwww.... leaving was easy, accepting it was the most difficult part.


I happened to pass by a theater house in the plaza,
4 foreign films i know and 2 local films I barely know, and I wonder if I can watch one of the local films titled Romancing in Thin Air with you. But it just seem impossible. 


I keep wondering on how you were able to handle things now.