Acid

"Will you come back in a heartbeat?
Don't be confused of what a great thing we can be
We'll take a walk at the same street
Can you tell me how Boston is like without me?"

Perfect lines from a perfect song covers my day today.

I wonder what love really means.
What it should really be composed of.
How living with it should be like.
I wonder if what I am expressing is really love.

I checked on the days when I was happy and those that were not.
I ponder about negligence, sufferings and abuse.
I also reread the sweet lines and revisited the good memories.
And I happen to know where I went wrong.

I give a bit and accepted a lot of things and efforts.
I count on the bad things and forgotten the good ones.
I overpowered and manipulated the other.
I became a parasite.

Hence, I demand so much.
I became uneasy.
I never apologize.
I became weak.

I can not blame anyone, this all on me.
I should not pinpoint on the efforts and might as well do something about it.
But I guess this is not for me.
And I am choosing to forget it all in a snap.

Giving up is easy.
Fighting is no longer an option here.
There are things you need to hold on and those that you let go.
I believe this is not one of those you grasp for so long.

I have learned that love does not really count on longevity.
But it needs time to grow and be nurtured.
It involves sacrifices, misunderstandings and patience.
I learned that even the smallest things matter.

I was afraid to accept those things I can not change.
I am a coward about the truth.
I am a user.
And I should be restarting my life from this day forward.

Woods of Sagada

Meta-scale

There was once a village attacked by a huge and monstrous sea serpent. It destroyed the village's plains, trees and most of the houses in it. The sea serpent kept attacking for the next three days until it finally spoke to the village people. The destroyer wanted the village to offer a virgin woman after every three full moons and if they do that the sea creature would leave the village unharmed. And so, the village people did what the serpent wants for almost a decade now. The village had a better life and the continuous offering was still done. The village people never wanted to turn against the sea serpent, simply because the creature was strong enough to destroy the village, their living and their families. And no matter what other offerings the village gave the serpent, it still wants someone from their village. Until on the 50th offering of the village, a masked warrior appeared and tried fighting the sea serpent. The warrior shoots arrow with blazing fire using the bow to the serpent's body, endless times until the sea serpent falls down to the water. Everyone was shocked and happy for the success of the warrior in defeating the monster. And then the warrior asked the village people to follow him to his ship. The warrior let the people see the true form of the serpent. The village people were all shocked to see a costumed sea serpent and underneath it are pirates. Then the warrior unveiled his self to the people and it was a woman after all. She declared what the pirates were doing to the offered women, making them slaves, they were punished and raped. And she was one of them, one who got her knees and guts all together to figure out a way to escape. Once she was free, she swore to stop the pirates from all their wrong doings. The village people were so grateful for her. And so they went to the pirates' hidden place and destroyed all their stuffs and freed all their loved ones and children.

One happy ending story from my hero isn't it?

Sometimes the worst fear can kill all the energy and spirit of fighting you have inside yourself. But that's how fear goes, as long as you have it, it can destroy everything within you that will lead you to destroying others as well.
This is how I was touched by someone dear to me. Someone willing to risk. Someone strong enough to fight his own fears even how difficult it gets.
How I wish someday I could tell this to his face. Someday.

Androgyny

I know this.
I remembered everything now.
I felt this already.

The exact reason, I stopped caring for him.
I know where this would lead.
And I can't let it torn me apart again.
I must be stronger now, I can do this.

They say flying a kite was easy.
I tell them that it's not.

First, you need to make sure the kite is made of a strong material, against the birds but at the same time can withstand strong winds.
Next, you will be needing a string, long enough for your to hold, no matter how far it will get.
Then you may now let it fly.
This part is the hardest.
You run while slowly pacing and letting the string that binds the kite and your hand to loosen.
You run and run, until it flies in the air, and once it's high enough, you need to pull the string closer to you in order for it to fly higher and almost at the top of your head.
After some time of finally achieving your desired height of flying the kite, you may now tie it to somewhere solid enough to hold it.
Watch it sway.
This is the happiness  you conquer from flying it.
It stops your world, making you focus only to it.
Makes you forget all the hardships of flying it.

After some time, you would be recoiling back to reality.
Realizing that you have a lot of other things to do other that watching it fly.

You have a choice of leaving it flying there, in the sky. Unknowing, if it'll fall by itself or another person would try to get it.
Or you can manage to let it go down, pulling the string all over again to your direction until it falls to the ground.

Make a choice.
Making a choice from the two would mean another day or not.



And I am choosing to leave it there.

The perfect enemy

There are just times when you feel that everything is normal.
Normal day, perfect weather or a nice spot to start everything up.
When all of a sudden, it fades to gray then black.
Then everything became a total black out.
You can't see anything.
You don't know which way to go.
And no matter where you run, nothing is happening.
Nothing seems to move.
Nothing, exactly nothing was feeling good.
And every single thing is a full strange attack of absurdity.

---------
I just don't think I am ready.
Not ready to lay my hands on top of the heating pan.
Not ready to follow any other rules.
Not even ready to acknowledge all of my weaknesses.
Maybe, not ready for anything

Maybe I'm scared.
Still freaking scared.
Agonized by my past, still no room for tomorrows.
Still behind all my reasons and pulling them tighter around my arms.

I can't let go.
And I can't move on.
A lot of ifs, whys, hows and cants.
I just don't think I deserve happiness.

Or should I say, I can't really ask myself to struggle one more time.
I was strong enough.
And I can't let it be broken anymore.
I can't put my guards down now.
Now, that I've made all my bricks smolder enough not to break.

It can't break.
I can't afford it to break.
Breaking would mean losing the only thing that is left of me.

I'll fly away from here.
Now that I have my chance.
I will forget everything, stand up on my feet.
And leave my foolish heart behind.

damn.. questions

Maybe I am; I am stuck.

The days swiftly pass. Routine as it may seem.

Declaration of astonishment on peculiar ideas was the dumb thought, as days sway.

Think and over-think.
Run and overrun.
Turn just upturn.
Wiggle and wrinkle.

I am ignorant.
I am ruined.
I am just so uncertain.

I disguise even to my own self.
I forget how to figure my way back, everything else now seems dark. And its darker and meaner than the usual. I cling on things I can never really manage, and roll it out as if I am really clasping it, when in fact I am not. I can't direct things. I can't even make it stay whirling hence I always slip it out my fingers. Even just under my fingers, I wasn't good enough managing it; how much more wrapping it around my arms and body.

It's useless. Seamless.
Where do I go from here. I am just completely lost.
I lose track of everything.
How did I get here in the first place?
I don't quite remember.
And if I did, I could have, should have, would have - no, there is no way out now.

I am stuck in a whirlpool of complete obvious disillusionment. 

delirious

Reality creeps today. 
Yesterday was enough to open chances and learning and yearnings to straighten my mind and capabilities towards the right road. 
I should really be heading north and stop pausing on stop overs and long cuts. 
I never realize sailing can be of this complex.
I've been trapped and unfamiliar-ized by my compass, I went subtle on my guide. 
I didn't follow the directions and now I have to make absolute turn over.
 It’s been a while, a lot of time had slipped leaving me shattered and dismayed at the outcomes. 
Intervening people and events became something soothing for the last months. 
Time consumed me a lot of opportunities that I slipped away from my fingers, I was unfair. I hungered for things and chances even if I know can never be offered to me. 
I am undeserving of everything upon anything. 

I loathe too much. Too much of him to offer me. 

And I, bugging and bragging about it would be injustice to completely welcome the feeling that he can when it really is impossible. 

I’m impossibly crazy, I know. 

The knowledge of recognizing that it’s extremely impossible would be more wound-ful. 

There are just things that I certainly at any matter can not and will not be able to change. 
And specifically, it includes him. 
At the end of the day, questions struggle me. 

Am I wanting too much? 
Am I disoriented? Am I impossible? 
Is it that difficult? 

It is just way, way unsymmetrical. 
I know, however I try to escape things in regards of him, I can not run entirely away from him. 

It will surely take a lot, I mean a bunch of guts to achieve it. 

It will take time. 
It may take forever to patch and sue. 
And forever is just an illusion..

Where's my Edward?
Yes, it's fiction. It's just a dream.

torn

Resubmission opt the sensibly contagious fragments of agony resembling to unfold truth and unsteady in denial. Sometimes normalizing and weighing the indefinite and incapable status is the most difficult to serene. How can I betray myself? I grasp at my words, I chew them then the next day I’m cradling and whining it. I just began to abandon my totally equipped and enforced self again. Why the hell? And most specifically, what the hell? I sublimed. I just submerge my inner thoughts and didn’t, probably never wanting to hear out my subconscious.

That day, I just sit. I watch the clock and wait. Patience is never a virtue because patience is never ideal or a piece of hope for me. It pinches me. It detached every single absorbing filament in my skin, I can do this. And as time pass more slowly; I stuck in my place more agonizingly crazy. There it goes once, twice, thrice, quadruple. Everything happens with some minutes that seemed days apart. My head spins. It just spins too piercingly. Jealousy: it’s unnervingly stupid to admit. How can I want someone, belonging to me already? It is unpeeling. It doesn’t seem parallel for what I’ve signed up for. I felt suppress under my own kingdom and king. Two hours, seems two counting centuries had been passing me. And I felt stagnant and mediocre inside. I am in the urge to know every single detail that pushed his limits and convince his self to be there. I am at meek point to drive the outcome of the event. I was waiting, panting. All day. And nothing happened. I let him sleep happily and soundly while I wrestle myself with my thoughts and absurd information. I thought starting up the conversation would mean more pain, more sorrow and of course me, as a masochist. Argh! My stomach tightens in awe.

The next day I was lingering for answers. I struggle finding the right excuses, the right techniques, the right methods to start the conversation. Establishing a shallow truth and heart-wrecking justification on how the whole situation occurred. Finally, it had come. He finally broke the ice, which was once an ocean I was swimming at. It was magnificently tearing my self into pieces. It was as if a gun was positioned in my skull. I can not breathe. I was grasping for air knowing that I wasn’t capable of being in that position or was I never enough. Anger overflows. I cannot contain such. But then, at the end, I felt defeated. I slept after a traditional talk, still wrecked inside. Thank God my voice didn’t betray me. I need to constantly remind myself that I do not own him. And that any given moment soon, I should stray.

Plans. Plans.. Plans.

Day 2 Plan failed.

Dashing through the snow in a one hall open sways. I felt guilty – damn how could I - when in fact, I was just protecting myself.

Plan b Discussion.

Grrrrr.. This would be the most difficult other than avoiding him.

Acceptance: accepting and taking the things I can not change.

Plan c Strike 3.

It would mean a total knock out round for me.

It would begin so much more. With crossed fingers.